Have you ever been in the presence of a community that collectively seems to confused the concept of forgiveness with that of denial? I am wondering if what I observe brewing relationally within Christian Nationalist/Evangelical swirling circles of marginalizing doctrine there exists an active, intentional conflation of these concepts as a form of ecclesiastical gaslighting.
I have sat through many sermons conveying the message that one must stop “nursing and rehearsing” a hurt, lest “a root of bitterness” be established, which—upon face value-- is good advice, as forgiveness—in principle-- is good and healthy. However, I am seeing something different happening in practice, particularly in the treatment of marginalized populations.
There is an emphasis on the “moving on”, or “moving forward” away from the pain, the wound minimized rather than its reality addressed, and like stoic, brave little soldiers (“it’s only a flesh wound!”), with the expectation is that we’re to maintain being ever-so-productive members of church and society, as if we’re in a competition to see who can bleed the most without collapsing into a heap.
Why does addressing the depth and breadth of a wound seem to be such a threat to conservative faith communities? The scenario goes something like this: Wounded person, having been bludgeoned by a devastating hurt--the likes of a machete strike to the heart or psyche—perhaps spousal abuse, philandering, abuse of a child, gross financial betrayal/cheating, harassment suffered due to the favorite phobia of the day, etc., and this hurt is confessed/named by the wounded person. The faith leader/community hearer and/or perpetrator responds by saying something like, “Oh wow. It seems perhaps you are ‘suffering’ from a papercut. I’m sorry. (pauses for wounded person to be “pouf—all better!”, which does not instantly manifest. So, perpetrator and/or faith leaders/community continues…) Look! I SAID I’m SORRY!—so STOP YOUR F’ING BLEEDING, BECAUSE YOU’RE MAKING ME (us) UNCOMFORTABLE and YOU’RE RUINING YOUR CHRISTIAN TESTIMONY!” As if victim-shaming is face-saving. As if favoring a perpetrator by minimizing the wound and their accountability is Christ-honoring. As if justice is a mythological unicorn honored with our lips but is otherwise a concept to be wrapped in duct tape and stuffed somewhere in a darkened rectory closet.
Asking for help to overcome a hurt and being truthful about one’s experience of it is not the same as nursing and rehearsing an offence, but instead part of the process of emerging from the denial of the impact of the associated pain so that it may be acknowledged, then addressed with the support of authentic spiritual siblings, close friends, a therapist, etc. Then one can truly move forward in a spirit of gratitude, instead of malice; a heart ready to forgive rather than seek revenge. If this process is hindered by denial, our best gifts/talents and dreams, along with the energy and focus needed to carry them out, are sacrificed to the idols of stoicism and the glorified myth of self-sufficient isolation it requires. We are then not exorcised of the spiritual severed limb ghost pains from our past but haunted by their voices saying that it’s too late for us, prattling on with their paralyzing death rattle mantra of use-it-or-lose-it philosophy, declaring we’ve nothing of value left, and leaving us with only hopelessness and ten times our body’s weight in regret.
But perhaps this is by design for “houses of worship” aspiring to be compounds of projection and condemnation, built upon quivering shifting-sand heaps of insecurities, disguised under veneer of expensively lit stages for crystal pulpits, equipped with the best and most gargantuan high-resolution big screens, and with the widest of wide-bottomed cushy theatre seats money can buy (only the best for Jesus!), rather than places of refuge for contemplative introspection in the light of truth.
I choose, and hope you find yourself in a community space that is a refuge to seek truth and healing. After all, for followers of Christ, is there not an expectation that we understand denial and minimalization are not Jesus’ way? Is it not written, “If you continue in My word, you are truly My disciples. 32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”?
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